I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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