I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sarcasm needs its own font
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
