I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
