You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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