He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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