The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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