when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
