Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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