Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
