Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
