Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
