Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
