Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
