I accidentally burped into my bong.
you would pick up someone in the library
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
