Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
