The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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