I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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