Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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