Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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