I accidentally burped into my bong.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
