this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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