You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
