so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize