why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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