i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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