He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
