I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
