Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
