The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm really busy with my period
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