i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
