your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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