I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize