Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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