It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
