dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
