There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
