Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
