My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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