He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
