the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
