No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
