I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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