he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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