dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
