Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
