Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
