Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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