Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
