Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
