totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
