I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
