Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Green mimosas i think yes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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