I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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