kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
