O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
