I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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