I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
