all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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