swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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