Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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