Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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