I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's rum buckets o'clock
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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